We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
