My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
