Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
