I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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