He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
