I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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