youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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