your parents love me but you hate me
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
