she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
