she was so not down for the gang bang
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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