very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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