Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
