bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
