so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
