I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
did i just pee glitter
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
