what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
