just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
