i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
