so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
