so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
