I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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