Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
