If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
