It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
