who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
