You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
