then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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