I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
