I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
