My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
