i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
