My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
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