never play flip cup with pint glasses
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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