Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
