Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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