no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
