I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Come share oat with me in your robe
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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