Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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