You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
