Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Randomize
