i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
