I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
