I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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