I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Your cock deserves a montage
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
