he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
