At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
