When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
