I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
