Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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