you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
