I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I fill condoms, not promises.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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